


The Secret Identity of Pets

by Mogseltof



Series: humanformers throwaway bullfuckery [1]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humanformers, Pets, Veterinary Clinic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 07:22:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19459171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mogseltof/pseuds/Mogseltof
Summary: The vet blinked, threw the paper towel away, and crossed her arms over her chest, looking up at Megatron and Rodimus. “Are you fucking with me?” she asked accusingly.





	The Secret Identity of Pets

They might never have found out if Rodimus hadn’t left the lid on the trash slightly ajar. There was a rattle and a thump, and then a louder clang as the lid hit the ground, displaced by Ravage’s bulk moving into the gap. A moment later, a light flicked on overhead and there was a muffled curse as footsteps padded across the kitchen. 

“Christ, boy, it’s two am,” Rodimus grumbled in a sleep thickened voice as she stood over the trash, one hand propped on her hip. 

Ravage meowed at her and swallowed the greasy alfoil.

“No! No - don’t - and too late,” she grumbled, reaching in and yanking him out with a slight oof. Ravage’s large body settled against her torso and she sighed, scritching behind his ears. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,” she muttered. 

“What’s going on?” asked Megatron, sounding more awake as he crossed the kitchen. 

“Your pigeon menacer here got into the trash and ate some stuff he shouldn’t,” said Rodimus, rolling her eyes. “Can’t be good for his digestion.”

“Great,” said Megatron, rubbing at his face tiredly. He checked his watch and sighed. “I’ll call a vet in the morning. Come on, back to bed. It’s too fucking late for this.”

Rodimus nodded and set Ravage on the ground before picking up the lid of the bin and replacing it a bit more firmly than she had before. Ravage prowled across the kitchen and into the darkened sitting area, tail flicking. 

*

“Appointment for Ravage?” called the vet from the door between the waiting room and examination room, looking up with a pleasant, expectant expression. Megatron and Rodimus got up from where they were sitting and nodded, striding across to follow her in, cat carrier held carefully in one of Megatron’s hands. 

“Just pop him over there,” said the vet, nodding at the stainless steel table in the middle of the room as she checked over the forms they’d filled out upon arrival. Megatron set the cat carrier down on the table and Ravage mrowred piteously. “So, this is your cat, Ravage?”

“Yes,” said Megatron, nodding. 

“How long have you had him?”

“About five years now.”

“And this is his first vet visit?” asked the vet, looking up from her paperwork with a raised eyebrow. She didn’t say anything else, but disapproval was writ all over her face. 

Megatron coughed and muttered something about being bad with animals. 

The vet hummed and set the clipboard down, turning to wash her hands. Rodimus leaned in, grinning darkly. “You’re a  _ bad _ cat owner,” she murmured, delighted. 

“Oh, shut up,” said Megatron irritably. 

The vet spoke up over the sound of the water. “Okay, he ate some trash? He should be fine, but I’ll want to take a look at him anyway, so just let him out onto the table.”

Getting Ravage into the cat carrier was always something of a production, so it was no surprise that when Megatron opened the door of the carrier Ravage practically sprung out with a loud complaint. He looked around and sunk down onto his haunches, tail flicking angrily. Ravage was not fond of cat carriers, strange places that smelled like antiseptic, or people he didn’t know. His claws came out, and a low growl started up in the back of his throat. 

The vet shut off the water and turned around, patting her hands dry with a paper towel. She stopped still, paper still in her hands, and gave Ravage a consternated look. 

Ravage glared back at her balefully, the sound in his throat working its way up to a yowl. His expression promised death to all fingers that came within reach. 

The vet blinked, threw the paper towel away, and crossed her arms over her chest, looking up at Megatron and Rodimus. “Are you fucking with me?” she asked accusingly. 

Rodimus’ eyebrows flew up to her hairline and Megatron frowned. “Excuse me?” he said sharply. 

“This is your cat?” said the vet, just as sharp, gesturing at Ravage.

“Yes!” said Megatron indignantly. 

“Your pet cat? That you’ve had for five years?”

“Yes!”

“Sir, this is a  _ bobcat _ !”

“No!”

“ _ Yes! _ ”

“No?” said Megatron again, but there was a slight hint of desperation to it this time. 

“ _ Yes _ ,” said the vet with an edge of steel in her voice, and she proceeded to lecture quite loudly on the difference between house cats and bobcats, occasionally pointing at Ravage for emphasis. Rodimus ignored them and gave Ravage an appraising look, eyebrows still high, as though she were seeing him in an entirely new light. 

“...You’ve had him for five years?” finished the vet, shaking her head, rubbing at the bridge of her nose. 

“Yes, since he was a kitten,” said Megatron a little weakly, looking somewhat disbelieving still. 

The vet looked doubtful, but pressed on. “Was he a stray? It’s rare, but sometimes they make their way into the city, and when they’re small they do kind of look like normal cats…” she trailed off, glancing back over at Ravage, who was still staring around with a displeased expression. 

“No, a friend asked me to look after him,” said Megatron, grimacing. “Christ. Uh, what exactly do we do in this scenario?”

The vet sighed, shaking her head again. “Well, if you’ve had him since he was a  _ kitten _ I don’t think he can just go back to the wild. Uh, I can’t help you with him for a  _ variety _ of reasons, but I can give you the number of a wildlife vet who’ll know more, just. I’ll be back in a second.”

She glanced at Ravage again and shook her head in disbelief, exiting the room and shutting the door behind her. 

There was silence for a moment and Rodimus swung around, leaning on the table with one hand, looking thoroughly amused. “Well, she thinks we’re fucking insane,” she said, far too cheerfully. She glanced down at Ravage, grinning widely. “Chonky boi’s a  _ wild _ boi,” she said, in an impressed tone of voice.

Megatron buried his face in his hands. “Five years,” he said faintly. 

Rodimus swung her head back around to look at him, still grinning madly. “So, just out of curiosity, the chances on Soundwave thinking he was a normal cat when she gave him to you are…?”

Megatron looked up and gave her a look that was filled with a deep tiredness for the universe in general. “Her first job was in wildlife rehabilitation,” he said darkly. 

“So basically zero!” said Rodimus, sniggering. “Holy fuck. This is  _ fantastic _ .”

“What part of this is  _ fantastic _ ?”

“Are you kidding me? We have a  _ pet bobcat _ , this is the fucking  _ best _ !”

**Author's Note:**

> The worst part is they actually have two cats; Rodimus has a three legged ginger shelter girl. She was a bit skeptical when she moved in, but figured Megatron probably knew what he was talking about when it came to his own pet. 
> 
> Arbitrary gender changes for characters are arbitrary, because the author is trans and gender is a Lie. This mostly exists because I was talking to a friend about my humanformers nonsense where most of the cast are women for No Damn reason and I wanted to show her something I thought was funny. Really just a thought exercise, not to be taken too seriously :) Probably gonna post another couple of snippets in this universe, I find it amusing and satisfying. 
> 
> (I hope someone finds this concept as amusing as I do anyway)


End file.
